Clarity & Wonder

Wow, it’s hard to believe my last entry was in October of 2011, only a few days prior to going to Tulum for Yoga Teacher Training.  What a wonderful experience, with 12 beautiful souls, who are and will remain for the rest of my days, near and dear to my heart.  A year and a half later, I continue to grow and evolve in ways unfathomable to me previously in my life.

My guiding words for 2013 are clarity and wonder and have proven to be exactly my experience thus far this year.  I continue to experience wonder because of clarity provided by presence, mindfulness and sobriety.  Presence, by that I mean truly being present or at a minimum consciously making an effort to be so with everything I do and with everyone with whom I engage.  Mindfulness, really to me is the same thing as presence and for us sometimes a difficult concept to grasp much less practice.  Sobriety, true straight up sobriety, no alcohol has entered this body since November 25th.  For those who know me well, know that a Corona in my hand can be a common sight, especially on a Friday night.

In the first six months of 2012 my family lost three of my Mama’s siblings, another brother and two sisters. In October of 2012, on the three year anniversary of Mama’s death, I found out another sister had some health stuff going on, only to find out shortly thereafter she too had Cancer.  “Back off ladies” were the words I believe I used to those soul sisters together somewhere in the ethos.  I needed to, wanted to, wanted to at least try to move through what I was facing with clarity, which for me meant total sobriety.  I did just that.  My Aunt managed things incredibly well and I am happy to report she is currently Cancer free and working her tail off in her yard.  She returns for a three-month check up soon.

I think too, moving through that with a clear head was something I needed to do because of Mama, for Mama, maybe for myself because of her illness and losing her or more likely because of the way I moved through all of that.  Maybe because of the way I think I moved through all of that and or possibly/ probably some judgment connected to it.  You know looking back a lot of it seems to be a complete blur…a complete blur with significant moments, visions and memories that will stay with me forever.  I remember at some point, maybe in 2010 or 2011 having to literally get out a piece of paper and pen and make a calendar going back to October of 2007, when she was diagnosed, and writing down what had happened every month in three or four years because I was convinced I had lost a year somewhere in all of it.  There everything was on that piece of paper, and I still couldn’t find that year.  Loss does things to us that sometimes simply can’t be put into words.

Today I am grateful…grateful for being raised by a phenomenal woman.

I am grateful for her presence in my very being.

I am grateful for the sound of her voice that I still hear.

I am grateful for her love that I still know and feel.

I am grateful for all she taught me and continues to.

I am grateful to her for inspiring me to give myself the gift of wonder through clarity.

 

Journey Proud Friends…

Originally posted 30 April 2013

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