And it’s been 5 years…

Date disbelief…it seems to be a theme…today I’m focused on the fact that it’s been five years since Mama moved on to a different existence.  There are days when it feels like twenty-five years and days when it feels like it was yesterday.  Time is a funny one isn’t it?

A lot has happened in five years.  I am certainly not the same person that was standing at her bed side five years ago when she took her last breath.  I wonder some days if or how I am attached to the story of it all; her illness, her death, my place in all of it, what all of the experiences were in all of that and after.  I know in some ways, I am, attached to the story of it all and I just try to sit with that.  I also try to practice letting go.  I think my perspective on death is beginning to shift a bit, in a freeing way.  I think I am learning in a deeper way, after all these years, to accept death as more as necessary part of our experience.  You would think that losing your father at age ten would sort of help that concept along but, here as well, I think that attachment to story, decades of it, helped along that aversion to acceptance.  It’s odd to be here without any parents.

I like to say now that Mama gave birth to me twice.  The end of her physical presence  certainly impacted my experience, in the most phenomenal ways.  So I sit in gratitude today celebrating a life well lived that touched and reached so many.  In awe still, as I will always be I’m sure, of the phenomenal woman I knew and continue to know as my Mama.

Originally posted: 11 October 2014